Why does it seem that all of the greatest stereotypes and cliches seem to be the truest? Is there really someone for everyone? Are all men dogs? Are all gays bitchy--on some level or another? Most of these things we call truth, we say that they are far and wide facts, things that you justhave to deal with while you're alive. I'm just wondering if its true though, some of the things that we tell ourselves. (More specifically about men. Are all men dogs?) Take Matt for example, sure, he seemed like a great guy, sure he's saying all of the right things, but do I really want to go back there, go back to that place and put myself in the way of danger? I'm not smitten with him, but if he's going to be only one hour away, why not? Weekends at his place, spending time together, and who knows, I might even overcome my fear of driving in Texarkana. Maybe it could turn into something good, but who knows, I refuse to live in a world of maybes, I lived in that world for far too long. That is what always get me into these kinds of messes, every sentence comes out at "Maybe he'll. . . " or "Maybe we'll . . ." or "Maybe it could . . . " Maybe exists because the abolutes, the facts, are too hard to face.
Matt says that he hasn't been with anyone in four months, that's right around the time taht we stopped talking. He says that he's been tested and that he's negative. And for me . . . maybe that's enough. He's clean, he (said he) hasn't been with anyone else. But I feel like maybe that's a lie. And if it is a lie, if he is tricking me, but I'm aware of it, then does it matter? I'm not in love with him, I barely like him, but I still have this connection to him that I thought that I had severed. He's starting his life, and maybe he's finally decided to grow up. If he has, then that is great, and maybe I could get with that. But if not . . . am I ready to make concessions just to be with someone who wants to be with someone else? Would I be able to accept an open relationship? It feels like that's what people do when they want to keep a whore. If you tell them that its okay and that they can "play together and play seperately" it just makes it okay not to be monogamous. And to me, monogamy is something that I won't budge on. I don't know, it has the potential to go south, but it also has the potential to be my first (actual) relationship.
No paper gangsters, no coin operated boys, no crazies, douchebags or assholes, etc. Just . . . real.
]]>I love boobs too
]]>You're not a sex-god because people are lusting after your naked flesh. You're even less of a sex-god when you give into their demands and pretty words and show off for them. I hate that the internet has enabled a whole generation of people to have the experience of a stripper. If you're a chub, it seems, you don't have a problem stripping down on cam and letting guys (usually decrepit Chesters) how hot you are and how you deserve to be treated and what they would do to you if they were there. You're being used. Plain and simple. You're a glorified stripper and you don't even get paid, you just get some kind of emotional satisfaction, some kind of sexual catharsis from being told (for once in your miserable life) how beautiful you are. Its a sad fact, but its not even the chubs, it seems like everyone is doing it. Its like an epidemic of daddy issues. I (almost) wish that I could just regulate it to the gay community, or the straight community, but its more pervasive. When did it become okay to be naked on the internet? I feel like some people almost expect it of the gays, and of slutty straights (i.e. people who don't respect their bodies, etc.) But I guess the question is what role does sexual repression play into alll of this? You feel rejected, alone, horny, whatever, and you find yourself in some sleazy IM session with a guy that you really don't like but who's telling you all the right things that you need to hear right now. Does this mean that you should hop to it, get naked and give them their goodies, only to have some kind of emotional buyer's remorse later?
I think that the best course of action is to think with your head, not your feelings. How you feel will make you do alot of stupid things, especially if you're not thinking. Sober thinking is what prevents huge mistakes.
]]>
Everyone has atleast one issue on which they are iffy about. The subjective instances where you believes take a hit, the items that are so delicate that they take some kind of mental revision. But what happens if that seems to be your constant state. If you are constantly waffling on certain issues?
It feels like I am doing that, all the time. And if you can't believe what is coming out of your own mouth, then what is the point? Am I a hypocrite? Or am I just fluid in my beliefs? Earlier I scarfed down half a bag of Cheeto's Puffs covered in cheese dip. And ten minutes earlier I shunned someone because they were "too fat" (Which they were, they were atleast 450lbs, but they were partnered, so I guess that doesn't matter). And then I'm always pushing the whole inner beauty thing. But only when it comes to me it seems. When it comes to everyone else, looks are just enough. That's hypocritical, right? But if they say something incredibly stupid or hateful, then fall back into the comfort of "the outside doesn't matter." What can come from all of this flip-flopping? The outside matters until they call you ugly, then you can blame their flaws on their inner nature and say that the inside is what matters. Is this hypocracy or is it just the way that things are?
I can find a person utterly repulsive, and have no physical interest in them whatsoever, but they could be the "one" and I would never give it a chance. When people do this to me, I call them shallow and close minded, but when I do it to others . . . then I trot out the same lines that some of the polite people say-- the same old lines of "he's just not my type" or "we don't mesh well"
And sometimes people genuinely don't mesh well, and then other times they just don't like the package that Mr. Right came in. If the inside is what truly matters, then it shouldn't matter how whatever you are. But in this world, beauty is far more valuable than genuine connection. Everything can be improved by running on the treadmill, once you lose X amount of pounds, you're beautiful and desirable and everyone will want to be with you.
I think know that's a lie. You are who you are, pounds don't change that. They might have some kind of influence on your confidence, but after that, you're still who you are. So if you're really looking for love, looking for the right person, you're going to fall in love with the soul, not the body
This has ended up in a very different place than it started.
The point is, I sit on the fence. I believe that the inside is what matters, and I refuse to fawn over "hot" people, but still, in my ungarded moments of honesty, I get distracted by beauty. But does this make me a hypocrite, or does it just make me human?
[Side Note, with a side of pathetic: Things like this make me think of John, he essentially didn't want to be with me because I'm fat. And because he's "straight" But mostly because I was fat. If I was thin(ner) it would have been easy for him to just hook up with me (or whatever). But the truth is that I wouldn't have been with him if I was thin(ner). I would have already been with someone else, attracted someone else with my charms. Etc. I keep falling into these (horrendous) situations because I'm kind of . . . desperate. But luckily, it only comes in patches, its not an ever continuing stretch of desperation.]
And there are other instances where I will flip-flop, but all it turns out to be are a bunch of double standards. But double-standard is just a formal way to say "hypocritical"
So I guess I'm a little bit of a hypocrite, but isn't everybody?
]]>The good news is tonight is the longest night of the year, which means the days start getting longer again tomorrow, that's worth celebrating, even if you don't have any other reasons to celebrate the Solstice.
MY Kind Of Christmas/Santa Fun!
]]>
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